How To Celebrate Your 32nd Day of Birth:
1. Travel to Hartsel to pick up your favorite (and only remaining) Jersey heifer after she has spent the summer galavanting with her beau.
2. Spend a little time with her as you eat a picnic lunch because you have missed her for the past two months. Obviously, she has missed you…errr, the grass….as well.
3. Take her over to the wet meadow (because you assume that is where the other cows will be) and spin with your arms stretched out in a “Hills-Are-Alive” type moment. Tripping over a clump of grass and landing in the mushy marsh is optional….for some. (Unfortunately, I had no say in the matter.)
4. Have an “Oh shit” moment when you realize the cows are nowhere to be found. Hike across 100-acres looking for the damn cows. Pick flowers along the way and give the flowers curse-word-nicknames because you are pretending each little flower is one of your stupid missing cows.
5. Find the cows in the pasture with the horses (hehehehe, the horse-boarders really hate that) and walk Honey Bunny over to the crew. Hope that by introducing Honey Bunny back into the mix (the oldest cow in the little herd) that she will take charge as lead cow and you will no longer find ALL of your cows randomly meandering down the county road at absurd times.
6. Take a good look at the little calf you saved two years ago on Mothers Day. Alan has turned into quite the little man. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for that.
7. Play tickle-monster on your way back to the truck, trying to stay ahead of the rain storm rolling in. Win tickle-monster because you are bigger and smarter than a group of children ages 3-8. It is never too soon to start teaching them how to lose….also, you like winning.
8. Travel up into the mountains to a secret location for picking wild raspberries. Curse when the car in front of you pulls into the exact same secret location. Follow up with the standard “Mommy didn’t just say _____” so you can maintain your good-parent-status.
9. Pick raspberries in the freezing rain and attempt to identify mushrooms with your mushroom book. All the mushrooms you see are poisonous….make the wise decision to stick to raspberries. Head back to the car when you can no longer feel your fingers.
10. Wash raspberries for use on Birthday cake. Witness male species making said cake and decide to eat it anyways, choosing to ignore any non-cake-like-textures you may or may not come across.
11. Drink beer, eat a garden-fresh tomato like an apple, snuggle with your favorite duckle, hug your kids, eat a steak you raised with your bare hands, and when the sun is down and the moon is up, make fire with your husband who has been away for the past three weeks, look forward to your next trip around the sun…you wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here…